Back to Life

Today was my first official day back in my office since the M/C and OH how I was so dreading it....but it went well and I made it through. I am so lucky to work with such a great bunch of people.

My life has been so up in the air since April 2008.

At that time, I was commuting back and forth between Dallas and home while at the same time in the middle of my second IVF cycle. Although IVF did not go as expected, I was still not in a place to evaluate all of my options because I was in the midst of an 11-week training for the Agency. Now I am home! Back to my wonderful husband and fantastic dogs and my lovable family and friends! Things can finally go back to normal.


We are proceeding with IVF #3 with DONOR EGGS!

We have decided to accept my best friend's offer of donating her eggs. Although she has had a partial hysterectomy, Dr. S says that because she still has her ovaries, she should be an excellent candidate for ovum donation. I need to call Dr. S to schedule a consultation with my egg donor ASAP! I will work on doing that sometime this week. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping she qualifies for ovum donation. She has been my best friend since 9th grade and I will forever be grateful to her for offer. Her journey will not be easy and I thank her for the offer everyday. I have yet to meet very many people who have chosen ovum donation with a KNOWN donor. Any stories would greatly put my mind at ease. I will continue to keep you guys posted.

Update

It has been a while since I wrote so I thought I would take a few moments to get some stuff out.


Here goes....I have been thinking a lot over the past week regarding our next cycle in October and I feel that our best chance is with donor eggs. From everything I have gone through and everything that I have read, and from what Doctor S recommends, it is our best shot of having a full-term pregnancy.

Although we have not received the results from our karyotyping yet, Dr. S feels that my m/c was probably chromosomal due to an embryo quality issue and from his medical opinion, thinks that DE will be our best chance. I have done some research about DE and it is
C R A Z Y ! ! ! It is just not fair!! The risks both financial and emotional is enough to drive you to give up! Although I am not absolutely positive we are going to use DE, we are at least researching it as an option and weighing the benefits and risks.

I will continue to research and keep you guys updated on our decision.

Dealing

Today was my first day back to work and I am trying my best to get my schedule back to normal. It was hard going back to work and seeing all of the faces with pitiful looks on them and people saying that they were sorry to hear the news. I quickly tried to change the subject and tried not to focus too long on my miscarriage issue for fear that I would break down.

It is just going to take me more time to be able to talk about it. I still get upset at the thought of losing this child and feeling the emptiness that comes along with knowing that I once carried a child in my womb but lost it. For the most part, I have called and emailed each of those friends and family members to let them know that I appreciated all of their kind thoughts and wishes.

It is really weird because although I was only 7 weeks pregnant when I miscarried, I can't seem to get over the fact that I am not pregnant anymore. It is weird! I think that it is because I wanted it so bad! I still feel a twinge of pain at the sight of pregnant women but I am not sure that I will ever get over this. I am just so envious and I want it SO bad! It is just not fair.



I am staying positive. I am trying not to think about the next cycle at all and just focus on family and friends. I went to the salon and had my hair done and also got a manicure and pedicure. Once I get done with Dallas and I get back home, I am definitely going to schedule a massage for both Matt and I. We are going to try to relax and enjoy ourselves this summer and not think about infertility or the costs (both emotional and financial) that come along with it.



We are having a 4th of July celebration out at the house with friends and family and we are in the midst of planning a trip to Beaver Lake in late July. We are taking it one-day-at-a-time and trying to make the best of it. Don't get me wrong, I still have periods of depression and anger but for the most part, I am doing well (considering).

Thanks again for all of the well-wishes. You ladies and your blogs are seriously the only thing that gives me hope and inspiration!!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

D & C

I had my procedure this morning and it was not as bad as I had imagined.

Everyone at the hospital was super SWEET and Doctor P said that everything went fine. They sent the results off for testing and we expect to hear something about the results in about 6 weeks. Although we don't expect, it will be good to hear for sure the it was a chromosomal issue. I am so tired and sore today. Just a lot of cramping and general soreness but all-in-all, it was not as bad as an experience as I had expected. I was so proud of myself because I made if through the entire hospital procedure (about 6 hours) without a tear. I almost broke down as they were wheeling me into the surgical room but once I saw the 6 strangers in the room waiting to prep me, fear took over and I was more focused on what they were doing and making sure that I was going to be good and asleep before the doctor did anything.

Matt took really good care of me and my mom came over just to make sure he was doing a good job. She was so sweet. She brought me trashy magazines, a crossword puzzle, books and CHOCOLATE!!!! I layed around the house and watched a lot of Top Chef and Ace of Cakes. I love the Food Network and HGTV. Don't know what I would do without it!

In closing, I am glad that this part of the process is over. In a weird way, the procedure kind of provided me with closure and the opportunity to move on and focus on something else. I am not saying that it is getting any easier but at least now I know that it will - with a little more time.

New Attitude

I am so tired of being sad. I am done!!!

I got the call this morning that my D&C is scheduled bright and early tomorrow morning at 6 a.m.

I am so glad.

The sooner I get this taken care of the better. I know that sounds horrible but it has been exactly a week since I heard the news about my miscarriage and I have been poked and prodded enough that I know that there is no hope for this child. As much as we wanted and dreamed about this child, it just did not work out. I will feel much better when the process is done and I can move on with my life because crying and moping around the house is just not working. I am so tired of people asking me if I am "okay". That is such a stupid question and I am tired of it. I am tired of their pitiful looks and people feeling sorry for me. I am just tired. I am expected to return back to work next Tuesday and I am not looking forward to it. People feeling uncomfortable around me and then feeling the need to ask me questions about the miscarriage is really going to suck and I am not looking forward to it. Oh well, what can you do right?

So, here is the plan.

For the next 3 months, I am going to focus on me.

I am going to do everything I can to make myself happy. Trips to the salon, pedicures, massages...here i come. I am going to see if this works. Wish me luck!

New Doctor

I went to a local doctor today to get prepared for a D&C that I have scheduled for later this week. I am so glad that I at least got it scheduled on such short notice and that it is going to be done before I go back down to Dallas on Monday for the final leg of my 3 month training. Dr P (as I will call him) seemed really sweet and felt that a D&C was the best step to take from here since we are going to try for IVF #3 around September or October. It was really hard to sit in a lobby full of pregnant women and smile and pretend that everything is okay but I did it and I am so proud of myself. I even managed to sit through another U/S and a doctor consultation without any tears. The trip to the car, that is another story. With all things considered, it was pretty good day. The fact that we have the procedure scheduled for the day after tomorrow just eases a lot of stress and I am so glad we got it done.

I finally spoke to my mother-in-law today. Although she heard the bad news on Tuesday while she was at work, I had not personally spoken to her about the miscarriage until today. I feel so sorry for her as I know how much she was wanting this to happen for us. I feel so bad--like such a failure for not being able to give them a grandchild!! She took the miscarriage almost as hard as I did and I feel so bad for her.

We talked through our tears today and agreed that we were going to try to remain positive and try again in a few months. She is amazing and I love her so much! Thank God for great friends and family right?!?

Bad News

Just wanted to write to say that we lost it!

We went to Dr. S yesterday for what was suppose to be our heartbeat u/s at 7 weeks and heard nothing. Saw nothing. Dr. S measured and said that growth stopped at 6 weeks. We are devastated. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I found myself crying non-stop all day. We drove for 4 hours to the big D to do a 20 minute U/S and had to turn around and drive 4 hours all the way back home with our devastating news. Why? I am so angry and upset right now and feel that there is no way that I am going to get over this.

I woke up this morning refusing to go to work. What am I going to do...quit my job? I am so upset wonder if it will ever get easier. Luckily for me, I have a great employer who understands and I have great friends that trying to be so understanding but all I want to do is lay in bed and turn out the lights. My poor DH, he never gets any of the sympathy. This is as much his loss as it is mine.

I have an appointment with an OBGYN here in Tulsa tomorrow which is close to home. I am not looking forward to going in and getting another U/S for a second opinion and having to schedule a date and time for my D&C. I started bleeding tonite which may mean that I can pass it naturally right? I don't know. I guess I need to google it....

Goodnite,