Dealing

Today was my first day back to work and I am trying my best to get my schedule back to normal. It was hard going back to work and seeing all of the faces with pitiful looks on them and people saying that they were sorry to hear the news. I quickly tried to change the subject and tried not to focus too long on my miscarriage issue for fear that I would break down.

It is just going to take me more time to be able to talk about it. I still get upset at the thought of losing this child and feeling the emptiness that comes along with knowing that I once carried a child in my womb but lost it. For the most part, I have called and emailed each of those friends and family members to let them know that I appreciated all of their kind thoughts and wishes.

It is really weird because although I was only 7 weeks pregnant when I miscarried, I can't seem to get over the fact that I am not pregnant anymore. It is weird! I think that it is because I wanted it so bad! I still feel a twinge of pain at the sight of pregnant women but I am not sure that I will ever get over this. I am just so envious and I want it SO bad! It is just not fair.



I am staying positive. I am trying not to think about the next cycle at all and just focus on family and friends. I went to the salon and had my hair done and also got a manicure and pedicure. Once I get done with Dallas and I get back home, I am definitely going to schedule a massage for both Matt and I. We are going to try to relax and enjoy ourselves this summer and not think about infertility or the costs (both emotional and financial) that come along with it.



We are having a 4th of July celebration out at the house with friends and family and we are in the midst of planning a trip to Beaver Lake in late July. We are taking it one-day-at-a-time and trying to make the best of it. Don't get me wrong, I still have periods of depression and anger but for the most part, I am doing well (considering).

Thanks again for all of the well-wishes. You ladies and your blogs are seriously the only thing that gives me hope and inspiration!!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

D & C

I had my procedure this morning and it was not as bad as I had imagined.

Everyone at the hospital was super SWEET and Doctor P said that everything went fine. They sent the results off for testing and we expect to hear something about the results in about 6 weeks. Although we don't expect, it will be good to hear for sure the it was a chromosomal issue. I am so tired and sore today. Just a lot of cramping and general soreness but all-in-all, it was not as bad as an experience as I had expected. I was so proud of myself because I made if through the entire hospital procedure (about 6 hours) without a tear. I almost broke down as they were wheeling me into the surgical room but once I saw the 6 strangers in the room waiting to prep me, fear took over and I was more focused on what they were doing and making sure that I was going to be good and asleep before the doctor did anything.

Matt took really good care of me and my mom came over just to make sure he was doing a good job. She was so sweet. She brought me trashy magazines, a crossword puzzle, books and CHOCOLATE!!!! I layed around the house and watched a lot of Top Chef and Ace of Cakes. I love the Food Network and HGTV. Don't know what I would do without it!

In closing, I am glad that this part of the process is over. In a weird way, the procedure kind of provided me with closure and the opportunity to move on and focus on something else. I am not saying that it is getting any easier but at least now I know that it will - with a little more time.

New Attitude

I am so tired of being sad. I am done!!!

I got the call this morning that my D&C is scheduled bright and early tomorrow morning at 6 a.m.

I am so glad.

The sooner I get this taken care of the better. I know that sounds horrible but it has been exactly a week since I heard the news about my miscarriage and I have been poked and prodded enough that I know that there is no hope for this child. As much as we wanted and dreamed about this child, it just did not work out. I will feel much better when the process is done and I can move on with my life because crying and moping around the house is just not working. I am so tired of people asking me if I am "okay". That is such a stupid question and I am tired of it. I am tired of their pitiful looks and people feeling sorry for me. I am just tired. I am expected to return back to work next Tuesday and I am not looking forward to it. People feeling uncomfortable around me and then feeling the need to ask me questions about the miscarriage is really going to suck and I am not looking forward to it. Oh well, what can you do right?

So, here is the plan.

For the next 3 months, I am going to focus on me.

I am going to do everything I can to make myself happy. Trips to the salon, pedicures, massages...here i come. I am going to see if this works. Wish me luck!

New Doctor

I went to a local doctor today to get prepared for a D&C that I have scheduled for later this week. I am so glad that I at least got it scheduled on such short notice and that it is going to be done before I go back down to Dallas on Monday for the final leg of my 3 month training. Dr P (as I will call him) seemed really sweet and felt that a D&C was the best step to take from here since we are going to try for IVF #3 around September or October. It was really hard to sit in a lobby full of pregnant women and smile and pretend that everything is okay but I did it and I am so proud of myself. I even managed to sit through another U/S and a doctor consultation without any tears. The trip to the car, that is another story. With all things considered, it was pretty good day. The fact that we have the procedure scheduled for the day after tomorrow just eases a lot of stress and I am so glad we got it done.

I finally spoke to my mother-in-law today. Although she heard the bad news on Tuesday while she was at work, I had not personally spoken to her about the miscarriage until today. I feel so sorry for her as I know how much she was wanting this to happen for us. I feel so bad--like such a failure for not being able to give them a grandchild!! She took the miscarriage almost as hard as I did and I feel so bad for her.

We talked through our tears today and agreed that we were going to try to remain positive and try again in a few months. She is amazing and I love her so much! Thank God for great friends and family right?!?

Bad News

Just wanted to write to say that we lost it!

We went to Dr. S yesterday for what was suppose to be our heartbeat u/s at 7 weeks and heard nothing. Saw nothing. Dr. S measured and said that growth stopped at 6 weeks. We are devastated. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I found myself crying non-stop all day. We drove for 4 hours to the big D to do a 20 minute U/S and had to turn around and drive 4 hours all the way back home with our devastating news. Why? I am so angry and upset right now and feel that there is no way that I am going to get over this.

I woke up this morning refusing to go to work. What am I going to do...quit my job? I am so upset wonder if it will ever get easier. Luckily for me, I have a great employer who understands and I have great friends that trying to be so understanding but all I want to do is lay in bed and turn out the lights. My poor DH, he never gets any of the sympathy. This is as much his loss as it is mine.

I have an appointment with an OBGYN here in Tulsa tomorrow which is close to home. I am not looking forward to going in and getting another U/S for a second opinion and having to schedule a date and time for my D&C. I started bleeding tonite which may mean that I can pass it naturally right? I don't know. I guess I need to google it....

Goodnite,

U/S #2

We went for our 2nd U/S yesterday at a lab here in Tulsa and felt that everything went well. We were unable to reach the doctor to get our results in time and had to wait until today. I called Dr. S's office at least 3 times this morning asking for my results and finally received a call back from him around 11:15 a.m.

Not Good. Dr. spoke very negatively about the progress of my fetus and was concerned that the growth rate was not where he had expected. He wants me to continue the medications and pelvic rest and go back to him for another U/S on Monday. Here we go again.

First Ultrasound

I had my 1st ultrasound on Friday and I am happy to report that it is good news!

Here is how it went:

I had to go by myself because my RE is in Dallas and we live in Oklahoma. I have been in Dallas for training since 04/29/2008 and did not see a need for Matt to take off of work for an entire day, drive 4 hours down to Dallas when I was just coming home for the weekend anyways. So, the plan was to go the RE appt. and then drive home with the good news.

Needless to say, I was nervous. I was nervous all morning and even more so since I found that my right foot was swollen and looked ginormous. Somehow, I just knew that this was going to be bad. As I said in Dr. S's room naked from the waist down, all kinds of thoughts were racing through my head. Bad thoughts. Evil thoughts. It was like I was mentally preparing myself for the bad news in case it was coming. As soon as Dr. S entered, he was all smiles which only seemed to make me even more nervous as I did not not want to see the look of disappointment on his face in case there was nothing on the U/S. Now, I know I should not think like this but I can't help it. Only people that have suffered through IF problems understand. I try so hard to stay positive but I cannot help that creeping feeling that something bad is going to happen. Anyway. I lay down and he proceeds to enter with the U/S probe. SILENCE!

He is completely silent. The nurse is silent. I feel him looking around and moving the want and I just know that it is not good. The longer I lay there, the more I feel the unwanted feelings of disappointment. I refuse to look at the monitor. I am too upset. I feel that rush of emotions coming over me and suddenly................."I think I see two sacs". Two sacs?? What?? He says that the 2nd sac is reasonable smaller and could be something else but that there is something definitely there. I just hope that if it is not a 2nd sac, it is not something that could prove harmful to the definite 1 sac we saw. He printed me a picture and said said that everything looked good. He said that we will know more next week when I go back for another U/S and we can tell from the heartbeat(s). Either way, I am excited that I have made it this far and just continue to hope and pray that the good news keeps coming!

As I exit the office, I do my best to smile and be cordial to others in the office. I offer congratulation to other cycle buddies who have also received good U/S results but as soon as I cross that threshold into the hallway, I break down. The tears are running down my face. Tears of joy for the good sac pictures. Tears of thankfulness to God for allowing me to make it this far. I could not control it. I was so happy, I was upset. Does that make sense to anyone else?

My poor husband calls as I am getting on the elevator and I explain that Dr. S said everything looked good but that I could not speak because I was so upset. I felt bad less than 10 minutes later when I called him back and he thought I was upset because it was bad news as he did not hear the 1st part of my sentence about the Dr. S saying that everything looked good.

Anyway, I made it home safe and told all about my good progress. My job for tomorrow is to find an OBGYN that is going to be willing to give me US and heartbeat checks EVERY appointment. From what I understand about other women who have been pregnant, this is sometimes a difficult talk. I have spoken to several women who say there only received like 3 or 4 US throughout an entire 9 month pregnancy. That will just not do. I need one like every other week! Is that reasonable?

Another Day

I am still here and hoping that I am still pregnant. It is so surreal because I don't feel any different. The number one question on everyone's mind is "How do you feel?". This question is just freaking me out because I don't feel any different. Then I start 2nd guessing myself and thinking "should I be feeling different" and then wondering if something is wrong if I don't. The more I think about it, the more freaked out I get. I am just going to have to calm down and wait until my 1st ultrasound on Friday, June 6th at 11:30 a.m.